Tag Archives: Andy Stanley

Ride that Wave!


Emotions are king in our culture. We write love songs while we look for love; we pursue happiness with everything we’ve got. We avoid painful feelings by shopping, eating, drinking, having sex, watching TV or wasting time. When we have good feelings, we hold on to them for dear life, often pursuing them in ways that don’t bring lasting contentment. Most of the clients who come to me start by saying they either want to “be happy” or “get rid of” some bad feeling.

If you think about the way God created the world, there is a lot of ebb and flow – the sun rises and sets; the tide goes in and out; the moon is a sliver and then it’s full. Ecclesiastes 3:1 and 4 says “For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven; a time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance.” Our emotions are meant to ebb and flow. If we desire healing and emotional growth, every emotion should be fully experienced. God understands and loves for us to pour out our hearts to Him, in the midst of our experiences, whether they be good or bad, happy or sad.

We see a great picture of this while reading the Psalms. In Psalm 88, it says “I am forgotten, cut off from your care. You have thrown me into the lowest pit, into the darkest depths. Your anger weighs me down; with wave after wave you have engulfed me.” (Vs. 5-7). Here the psalmist is expressing some deep, dark and painful emotions both about God, and to him. A few chapters later, we read “You thrill me, Lord, with all you have done for me! I sing for joy because of what you have done! O Lord, what great works you do!” (Ps. 92:4-5). Now, the psalmist (a different author) is rejoicing with great and wonderful joy. This isn’t instability of character. Rather this is God preserving emotion in his Word to show us that He can handle all of our emotion as we experience our lives. Again, not all behavior is beneficial, but God loves honesty about how we are feeling.

So what do we do about all of these feelings? If we use the metaphor of ocean tides, instead of getting rid of emotion we think is negative, why not find a “surfboard” so that riding the tides of our emotion becomes an adventure? If you are sitting on your surfboard in the ocean, you can sit there through many large waves before you actually choose to stand up and surf one. You also might be sitting on calm seas one day, and getting knocked off your board and thrashed around on another! This is all part of the experience of surfing. A surfer understands that the waves are not at his beck and call – he will have varying conditions. The one stable resource he has is his board.

One of the primary steps in learning to work with emotion, then, is to observe it and feel it without impulsively acting upon those feelings; this is your surfboard. What would it be like to become angry at poor customer service and not complain or make a scene – simply as an experiment to observe the rise and fall of what anger feels like in your own body. For most of us, the behavior that follows our emotion (like yelling when you are angry) comes so quickly that we tend to think we can’t control it. Feelings and thoughts are inextricably linked and difficult to separate, but behavior is an entirely different thing. It is possible to be fully angry and not respond angrily. It is possible, if you found yourself having feelings for someone outside your marriage, to experience those feelings without acting upon them.

Think of it as a scientific experiment: How long would anger remain in your mind and body if you simply observed it and watched it rise and fall without buying into it or attaching your thoughts to any particular part of it? If you were curious about it but didn’t feed it all of the evidence about why you think you are justified to behave poorly? You can do this with any emotion, and for each person it will be altogether different. For me, anxiety might be brief and tolerable, but sadness almost unbearable. For you, observing anger might feel completely impossible but experiencing loneliness is ok. It’s a life-changing shift to realize that not everything you feel needs to be acted upon.

EXERCISE: Take a look at this list of emotions. Pick a couple that are uncomfortable for you but not unbearable. Practice dedicating yourself to simply experiencing this feeling without doing anything about it. How long does it last? Where do you feel it in your body? Ride the wave as it crests and recedes. Later, you can choose more difficult emotions, but commit to working on this one emotion at a time.

 *Read my comment(s). My dear friend has agreed to give her non-therapist view of my crazy ideas to get the conversation started.  Jump in!*

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Thought Replacement


Last week we discussed observing our thoughts in order to come up with a “diagnosis” of how our thoughts can negatively affect us. This week, we are going to start talking about a “treatment process”. How does a person find this transformation Paul is talking about in Romans when he says “do not be conformed to the world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind” (Rom. 12:2 NKJV). I think we’ve established that you won’t achieve this change by trying to force yourself to stop unproductive thinking and be transformed! Real transformation is only made possible through the grace of God, kind of like a caterpillar becoming a butterfly. The caterpillar is a willing participant, but it’s not the agent of change.

So how do we readily participate in this thought transformation? There are a multitude of strategies we can use. We’ve already established the fact that our thoughts aren’t necessarily true, and you might have even identified some of your thoughts that aren’t actually true. It’s often helpful to get a little bit of distance from them, and one way you can do this is by naming them, like the “I’m a bad father story”, or “here’s the I’m an unorganized loser story”. It’s just wording, but it helps you to identify in your own mind that you’re not buying into the false belief that all of your thoughts are true.

One technique I really like is the idea of redirecting, like you might do with a wayward 2-year old who is doing something naughty – instead of punishing, you could just pick her up and set her down by a beloved toy or puzzle. Similarly, you can “pick up” a wayward thought and set it down on a thought you do want to be thinking. This is what Paul is getting at when he tells us in Philippians 4:8 (NLT):

And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.

Paul knew that thoughts pop into our heads, unbidden. Do we really imagine that Paul never once thought about his horrible past and the things he’d done? Probably he did, but one thing we do know: he didn’t live in the past; he didn’t dwell on those things. If he had, he never would have been available to do God’s bidding. Instead, Paul replaced these thoughts with today’s truth – thoughts that were true, honorable and so on. And he encourages us to do the same. I often say to my clients, you can’t do anything about a bird landing on your head, but you can control how long it sits there! Thoughts will come unbidden, that’s true. But you get to choose which thoughts you will rest your mind on. And you can choose, like Paul did, thoughts that fall into this verse’s instruction from Philippians.

EXERCISE: Make a list of a couple of thoughts you struggle with and then come up with a replacement thought. These can be any sayings or verses, they don’t have to specifically relate. But as an example, here are a couple of mine:

 Untrue Thought: “I am fat”

Thought to use as a replacement: “I am God’s masterpiece” (Eph 2:10)

 [So I’m not trying to STOP thinking “I am fat” – I’m just trying to notice it, and every time I notice it, I say (maybe even out loud), “No, I’m God’s masterpiece”.]

 Dishonorable Thought: “I really don’t like my downstairs neighbor, she’s rude”

Thought to use as a replacement: “Love your enemies, bless those that curse you” Matt. 5:44

 Also, it’s important to understand that this is not “pop psychology” or “positive affirmation”. I acknowledge the painful nature of my thoughts without judgment, and that my experience has value. My downstairs neighbor might well have been very rude to me. I’m not attempting to “get rid” of that thought or convince myself she is really nice. I’m instead choosing where my mind finds its resting place in regard to that particular situation.

 *Read my comment(s). My dear friend has agreed to give her non-therapist view of my crazy ideas to get the conversation started.  Jump in!*

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A Mindful Christian?


Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.   Matthew 6:34, the Message.

If you are a Christian who felt an internal resistance to the title of this post and the idea of “mindfulness”, or are uncertain about what mindfulness even is, I hope you’ll stay with me while I explain how this powerful practice can deepen your relationship with Jesus and break through barriers to living in the Spirit.   Mindfulness as a secular practice has been proven to be a powerful agent against anxiety, stress and worry. Think of it this way – mindfulness merely means “being present”, or being “right here, right now”. Jesus understood being in the right now, and thought it important enough to address in his famous Sermon on the Mount.

It is so helpful to stay as close to the present moment as possible. Most of us find ourselves often consumed with things that may or may not occur in the future, and this is the root of all anxiety. We can’t possibly resolve problems that are not yet happening. A mom who picks up an automobile off her child in a moment of crisis could not have possibly planned that action in her mind ahead of time. In that moment, she has access to power, strength and creative problem solving in ways she never would have dreamed. Even current day martyrs have a supernatural, spirit filled power in that moment that they could not have accessed days, or even hours, before the experience. We have a glimpse into this when we read about Stephen in Acts 7: But Stephen, full of the Holy Spirit, gazed steadily into heaven and saw the glory of God, and he saw Jesus standing in the place of honor at God’s right hand. And he told them, “Look, I see the heavens opened and the Son of Man standing in the place of honor at God’s right hand!” vs. 55-56 NLT

Just like in Stephen’s case, this present moment is the only moment that I can access God’s power. I don’t yet have the strength He’ll give me tomorrow. I don’t have any remnant of what I had yesterday. But in this present moment, God is with me along with all the powers of His Kingdom. I might not like what’s happening in the present moment but if God is with me in an experience He’s allowing, then it is the safest and most productive place for me to be. You’ve heard the slogan many times – “one day at a time”. God designed this concept; he is the Maker and designer of manna. Yesterday’s manna is rotten, tomorrow’s hasn’t appeared yet, so to live on today’s manna would be your best sustenance.

I like the idea of one day at a time, but some days it might even be one moment at a time. Can you feel your next breath? What is the next right thing to do? You may not be able to think calmly about anything beyond that, but you can just do the next right thing – the next thing that aligns with your stated values. Really, Romans 12 says it best: So here’s what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. (verse 1, The Message). God is with you, right now, in this moment. Don’t waste that amazing awareness by being somewhere else.

PRACTICE: This week, take a short walk around your neighborhood. During these 15 minutes or so, commit yourself to being completely present. Hear the sounds around you. Notice the colors and the objects around you. Feel your feet hitting the ground. Feel your breath. Don’t try to control your thoughts – thoughts are fine. But if you notice your thoughts are floating off somewhere that is not your present walk, just bring them back by noticing something that IS present. When you are done with your 15 minutes, notice how your body feels. Is it calmer? Do you feel more grounded in your day? Try weaving periods of being present into your every day life – driving, making dinner and so on. Try BEING where you are. Don’t get discouraged, it’s not about being good at this – our minds are designed to wander so just gently bring yourself back to this moment whenever you notice you’ve wandered off!

*Read my comment(s). My dear friend has agreed to give her non-therapist view of my crazy ideas to get the conversation started.  Jump in!*

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The Donut Metaphor


Last week I talked about the barriers that exist when it comes to living in the Spirit. One of those barriers is sometimes not knowing our values or not being clear about them. Here’s a metaphor I like to use to illustrate this point:

Let’s say I have a goal, I want to lose ten pounds. And maybe I really want to lose it, I have a wedding coming up or some summer shorts I want to fit into. But then you come into my office and bring me my favorite donut (substitute your favorite food!) Here’s the thing: the donut is guaranteed. It looks good, it smells good, I know it’s going to taste good. Plus it’s right here – immediate gratification! There’s only one reason I would ever refuse the donut in favor of my weight loss goal – and that is if my long term weight loss goal is so “tasty”, so available, so immediate that it’s like choosing between two available treats – and then I can choose the healthier option.

A lot of my work with clients involves clarifying their values. If you aren’t clear on what you’re moving toward, you’re going to take your eyes off your goals every time – in fact, it’s hard to even make and clarify goals if you don’t have a value system to base them on. So if, for instance, kindness isn’t a value that is clear and salient to you, you’re going to go for that pleasure that comes with lobbing a word grenade at someone in an argument – every time. Often when I ask a client “what are your values?” there’s a long pause and then they say something like “to be kind?” or “to love people?” That’s like asking an entrepreneur what his business vision is and having him say “um, to make money?” If you don’t have a very clear and significant vision of where you’re going, how would you ever hope to get there?

Sadly, in my experience I’ve found that we in the Church are no better at having defined values than anyone else – and we should, shouldn’t we? For an entire body of people whose lifestyle is based around the values laid down by the One we claim to follow – Jesus – we sure have a pretty vague sense of where we’re going sometimes. Paul said in his letter to the Philippians (3:13-14), “Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” (NIV) Paul knew that it’s better to go toward something than away from something.

If you find yourself constantly doing something you wish you wouldn’t do (like lying, watching porn or eating) – or not doing something you know you should do (working out, eating healthy), you might have a problem with vague values. You may be getting distracted by the immediate tug because what you really value is too far out of reach, too hypothetical. What you don’t want to do is readily available, and what you want to do is too much of a “Sunday sermon” and not enough of a daily reality.

 What are your values? Were they given to you by your parents or your church, or are they yours? Can you taste them? Or do you take the donut every time?

PRACTICE: If you feel like you do not have very well defined values or a very clear “life vision”, take some time in a quiet place to imagine that it’s years from now, and you have passed away. Somehow, you have the opportunity to be present at your own funeral and hear the words your loved ones are speaking. If you have lived your ideal life, what are they saying? What kinds of examples are they giving of how you lived this out? If you spend enough time really visualizing this scenario, you will have a better idea about what your values really are, and how that would look right now, today.

*Read my comment(s). My dear friend has agreed to give her non-therapist view of my crazy ideas to get the conversation started.  Jump in!*

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I Want To, But I Can’t

“What I don’t understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can’t be trusted to figure out what’s best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God’s command is necessary…..I can will it, but I can’t do it. I decide to do good, but I don’t really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway.” Romans 7: 15-20 Message version

What we have here is Paul’s assessment of the human condition when we try living rightly without God’s Spirit. Paul, who glimpsed heaven and is one of the most admired Jesus followers, faced this bitter dilemma within his own human nature. He did what he didn’t want to do, and didn’t do the things he wanted to do. And can’t we relate? What are we to make of this though? If Paul knew his nature to be capable of this, how can we ever hope to gain control of our human nature?

Paul’s solution is Jesus, of course. Paul’s point is that we can’t resolve it with rules, but only by relying on the Spirit. Later in the chapter he says: “Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn’t that the real question? The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does.” (verses 24-25 MSG). Of course, we know that Jesus is the answer. One day, we will be changed in the blink of an eye, and we will no longer be a slave to these competing desires. And Jesus helps us now, too, in that loving Him changes us and changes our values – Romans 8 is an exposition on how we can have victory through the Spirit.

And yet, here we are. As long as we are in these bodies, we are going to experience this paradox that Paul faced – even though we so often pretend we don’t. It’s true that we can have success in right living when we live our life connected to God’s Spirit, but so often when someone is struggling with sin, we say something that sounds like “you just need more of Jesus”. And that’s totally true – and yet if someone is struggling, it’s often because there is a barrier in their lives that thwarts their ability to live rightly. When we say “you need more Jesus” we imply that they just aren’t trying hard enough or there is something wrong with them because they can’t access the Spirit in their struggle. There may be real and complex reasons why a barrier exists.

I think counseling can help us with this, and I personally believe that exploring this human compulsion can be both sanctioned and directed by God’s Spirit in cooperation with a competent counselor. I think it’s helpful to explore why I do the things I don’t want to do. Let’s take a man who was told by his father he’d never amount to anything. So now he’s caught in a gambling addiction and he doesn’t understand his compulsion to do the thing he despises. It’s partly true that we’re prone to addiction because of our human condition. But it’s also true that in counseling he might discover that his drive to “amount to something” compels him to try to make money in any way possible to prove his father wrong. The problem might not actually be that he doesn’t love Jesus enough, or isn’t trying hard enough, but that the beliefs he’s been given drown out who he really is, and who he could be in connection with God’s Spirit.

Do you do things you don’t want to do? Or find yourself unable to do the things you know you need to do? I would encourage you to explore these things in the office of a professional counselor, who can help you unwind the messages you’ve been given throughout your life; who can help you cling to truth and discard fear and doubt. Will you still struggle until the day Jesus returns? Yes, you sure will. But what if you could struggle less?

*Read my comment(s). My dear friend has agreed to give her non-therapist view of my crazy ideas to get the conversation started.  Jump in!*

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Broken Hearts Club

I’ve just returned from the Catalyst West conference and this blog is the result. I traveled to the conference with the Leadership Team from my church, and we were asked two heavy questions by Andy Stanley, the pastor of North Point Church.

  • Who are you?
  • What breaks your heart?

And the implied third question:

  • What in the world are you going to do about it?

As I discussed my answer to this question with my team, I noticed that my answer changed, morphed, grew and sometimes faded.  So I realize I need a platform to refine and shape my answer more clearly.  After all, how can I do something about a problem I’ve not defined well?

As I stated on the About Me page, I’m the Care Pastor of my local church, but I’m also a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.  What breaks my heart is how many Christians don’t get counseling and don’t see the value of counseling.  And when they do go to counseling, it’s often terrible counseling — a whole lot of “Christian” with not a whole lot of “counseling”, either because the counselor is poorly lay trained or poorly professionally trained.

Here’s the problem as I see it, and I’ll dive into these deeper in future posts.  Pastors preach about the power of our Living God to live within us and change our lives.  This is right and true that they would do so.  And our God does live within us and He does change lives.  But the “how” is often vague.  So then Christians who love Jesus leave church on Sunday privately feeling like maybe something is wrong with them, maybe they are not plugged into God’s power appropriately.  Maybe there’s something wrong with their internal USB connector, the signal is not quite getting through.  But to ask for help or go to counseling would be an open admission that they don’t know how to make these changes.  Or worse, maybe they will even be judged as being “works” based because they are trying to figure out how to change instead of just “letting” God change them.

So what are we left with?  We are left with a church where pastors and their church attendees alike have to pretend for all they’re worth that everything is ok.  That they’re getting victory when maybe they’re not.  We know we’re broken, and we even say we’re broken.  But to go to counseling would be an open admission that we are broken.  And no one wants that!

Then, if a Christian finally gets up the courage to go to counseling, they often see their pastor for counseling or a lay “counselor” or mentor at their church.  There’s a place for this, and I have a couple of really good examples of where this has worked.  But discernment is required to figure out if those are good choices, and a desperate Christian trying to keep their broken-ness on as much of a lowdown as possible probably isn’t asking all the right questions.  And even when a licensed counselor gets the case, most Christians won’t go to anyone but a Christian counselor – again, without asking themselves why they are making this distinction or if this person is the right fit for them, regardless of labels.

I’ve got a pretty big field to tackle here, with my broken hearted issue.  I want counseling to be a first resort, not a last.  I want Christian broken-ness to come out of the closet, to see daylight and seek real healing.  And I want it to be done in the most professional and skilled way possible.

*Read my comment(s). My dear friend has agreed to give her non-therapist view of my crazy ideas to get the conversation started.  Jump in!*

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